Friday, April 8, 2011

H is for Heartburn

You know, my parents always said getting older sucked, and I wasn’t real sure what they meant until, well, I got a little older. I used to be able to eat anything and everything, and usually two or three at a time, with no significant repercussions. Nowadays, I’m lucky to drink a glass of water without getting heartburn.

I mean, when I was younger I used to just make sure I had the essentials before I left the house. Now, I have to have sunglasses, a ball cap, a jacket, the GPS so I don’t get my fool self lost, and a roll of antacid tablets. Oh yes, they are like a friend to me now. A best friend, sometimes.

I like to have a few beers now and again, as well. In my 20s that was no problem. I’d wake up with a slight headache and go about my day. Today, though, I get indigestion for three days after a party night, no matter what I do. Of course, I also love tacos and spaghetti and V8 juice and hot wings and pizza and anything else that gets rough on heartburn. It’s like a curse, really.

I suppose next to go are the joints, but I’m having a hard enough time with heartburn. I mean, really, who needs it? Antacid tablets have become like dessert of sorts. Can of Chef Boy Ardee, pop a tablet. Bowl of soup, pop a tablet. Couple few beers with the boys, probably a couple few tablets. Sigh. I’m only in my mid-thirties. This stuff happens to retired people only, right? Wrong. It has happened to me, and I’m almost not ashamed to say it. Hi, my name is Derek, and I easily get heartburn. Indigestion. Uppies. It goes by many names, and all of them hurt.

I have a roll of antacid tablets in each car, one in my pocket, and one in the garage. I have a big bottle of the stuff both in my office and in the bathroom. It’s gotten so I have come to like the chalky goodness of the slightly flavored things. I used to look at what color I got, but now I just pop one and grimace as it goes to work. Heartburn sucks.

What about you? Get heartburn now more than you did before? Maybe you are gassy? Maybe you blurt things out in church because you don’t care what people think anymore. Whatever your malady is, I feel for you. I feel with you. Heck, I feel ya, brothers and sisters. My life isn’t even half over and I’m already in pain half the time. However, I grin and bear it, knowing that better times are to come. Maybe worse times, but one thing’s for sure: heartburn is here to stay.

13 comments:

Eliza said...

You forgot to mention the unexpected gas (farts) when you bend, lift ummm, even talk. Hee Hee!

Word Nerd said...

I don't think I've ever had heartburn, but I am getting kind of achy and creaky. My mother-in-law used to say, "It's hell to get old, kid," and I think I'm starting to understand what she meant.

Deirdra Eden-Coppel said...

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~Deirdra

Christina said...

No wonder you like farting so much. I think you said that was like the #1 funniest thing ever.

I don't consider people old until their joints start predicting the weather.

KBalbify said...

I am thankful the evil heartburn demon has left me alone so far, but I do hold onto the rail to go down the stairs now. My legs are stiff in the morning.

James said...

Dude, you really need to invest in Zantac or some such... I use Omeprazole DR, one tablet daily. And I used to have acid reflux so bad I'd wake up in the night tasting my own blood... *not* fun.

Langley said...

Thankfully heartburn isn't a problem but I do tend to blurt things out more than I used to!

I’m A-Z Blogging on Langley Writes about Writing and Langley’s Rich and Random Life

L.L. Woodard said...

What I've noticed is that all the things I used to laugh at grown-ups about when I was a kid has come back to haunt me.

Michael said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Michael said...

Heysus Christo.. Heartburn is almost a daily issue with me also. SXREW YOU HEARTBURN!!!

Michael said...

Heysus Christo.. Heartburn is almost a daily issue with me also. SXREW YOU HEARTBURN!!!

Michael said...

LOL wow.. you'd think I had never seen the internet before... F-U-C-K you bloggerdotcom!!!

Karen Peterson said...

Heartburn is awful. Thankfully I haven't yet gotten to the point of requiring the constant companionship of Rolaids. Yet.