Saturday, December 6, 2014

Innocent mistake almost kills doggy: News at eleven

You read that right. I’m an ass hat. A chump, an idiot, a bad daddy to his pets. I made an error that could have been fatal to our adorable little Affenpinscher puppy who wears sweaters and coats and loves us a whooooole bunch. What was this grave misstep?

I fed the little guy grapes. Don’t do that.

So I was sitting at the PC one night, playing chess and eating grapes. The doggy jumped in my lap, curious about my odd snack. I let him have one, figuring he’d reject it and that’d be the end. But nooooo, he loved 'em! I thought to myself Ohhhh, how cool is this? My puppy loves healthy snacks.

So I gave him a few more.

All in all, it was only five, six tops, but apparently, that’s enough to kill him. For reasons science does not yet know, grapes and raisins have the ability to almost immediately shut down a dog’s kidneys, leading to suffering and death. Of course, had I known that, I’d have given him proper doggy bones. Being as I didn’t know they were deadly, I shared my snack without much thought.

The next day, I’m at work, on lunch, and I sent a text to the sweetie. Give that doggy grapes. You won't believe how much he likes 'em!

She writes back something to the effect of OMG YOU GAVE HIM GRAPES WHEN HOW WHY OH GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING.

I say yeah, last night he had a few. She informs me they kill dogs and immediately takes him to the emergency vet. So now I’m at work, in a customer service position, with over two hours to go, trying real hard to smile knowing I possibly ended the life of the best dog either of us has ever owned.

I was a wreck. All I could think about were his stupid little under bite and how he loves to play with me, eating my face, arms, and hands whilst uttering the occasional playful growl. Oh, Lawzy, I’ve literally killed our puppy. They say the road to hell is paved with good intentions. I now know what that means.

Well, the doc gave him a good bill of health, and said either I hadn’t given him enough grapes (but they said that a single raisin once killed a poodle), or he’s one of the rarities not bothered by them. Either way, they suggested no more grapes. As if.

That was last week and he’s still doing fine, good and well, as if nothing ever happened. Every time I see him in his little sweater, I think how awful it could have been to end his life and have something like that on my shoulders. Not fun.

Moral of the story: Animals are affected by some weird shit. Research before giving them any snacks not specifically meant for them because Google knows what will kill them and what is safe for them.

And for Heaven’s sake, don’t give 'em grapes or raisins. Also on this list are pickles, onions, and chocolate. Don’t take the risk.

Wednesday, December 3, 2014

Male dominated societies are weird

I got to thinking yesterday at lunch about this subject, as I often have berfore, and it really does disgust me in a way. If you ask me, we need to just completely do away with most the weird crap that goes on when it comes to this subject. Ah, yes, marriage, for instance.

Take this scenario: An adopted boy marries a gal who is an only child and last of a bloodline. Well, as per our silly rules, his last name becomes hers. The result of this is that her last name is obliterated completely in favor of a last name that isn’t even the dude’s real last name! This is boggling to me.

I understand that you can opt out and go by whatever names you like and all that, but traditionally, a woman’s last name becomes her ‘maiden’ name——does that tell you how old this rule is? Maiden? Truly? When is the last time you called an unmarried woman a maiden? C'mon, now. 

I guess I’m one of very few that thinks this is preposterous, because I don’t ever hear anyone else complaining about the subject. I, for one, would hate to lose my last name randomly because I decided to be with a girl forever. I mean, not that I’m particularly mad about my last name, which isn’t even *my* real last name, but it’s the principle. If one of us has to lose it, it’s the female, because that’s the way it is. Man strong. Roar.


Is nobody else saddened a little by the fact that zillions of perfectly good and strong last names have just hit the dirt over this dumb ass system? How is it almost the year 2015 and we are still okay with just changing our names over a marriage that statistically won’t last, anyhow? It’s such a male thing to claim ownership of someone like that. You mine now, last name same. Ooga booga.

We don’t fashion tools out of stone anymore, we don’t hunt and gather in preparation for a long winter (because there are stores), and we don’t knock a gal on the head with a club and take her to our cave when we want to get a little action. Well, most of us don’t.

So why do we still go through the barbaric practice of making women take a man’s last name when they marry? Easier on the tax stuff? It’s ‘just what we do’? I can’t believe women haven’t made more of a stink about this particular rule.

Carry on.