Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Making restroom friends at the bar

Yea, it sounds weird, but hear me out. You may just be surprised at what goes on in these places, especially bar restrooms. Nothing like a few cold beers to really bust up the tension that naturally comes along with peeing next to one or more dudes who are trying their best not to make eye contact or accidentally look at your junk.

It has long been my habit to yak it up inside the restroom at bars. Very, very rarely are the recipients to my jabbering actually offended. In fact, most seem welcoming of it. Here are a few of my favorite tension-breaking lines that I use frequently while standing at the urinal:

“Damn, brother, nothing like beer, eh? In and out so fast!” This one elicits immediate smiles, chuckles and agreement, which starts the urinary conversation off on the right foot – so to speak. It is well known that successful interactions are created when folks have something in common. In this case, we are both probably buzzed, have been guzzling beer and have to go really bad. Why not discuss it?

“Freakin’ bar maid is unbelievably hot, yea?” For this one, you are banking on the probability that your pee partner is not actually dating the hot bar maid. Still, even if he is, he wouldn’t be dating her if he didn’t already know she was hot, so I can’t see it being a problem, other than you talking about his girl with your wanker in your hand, right in front of him. I guess that would be awkward, but it hasn’t happened yet. If at a strip club, just pick one of the girls and bring her up; all the same rules apply.

“I’m about to invest in a catheter! This sucks!” You are leveling with your fellow beer pee victim, and assuming that they have visited the toilet on more than one occasion that night, and also that there will likely be future returns. This one is almost guaranteed to strike up friendly banter. Use it wisely, use it often.

“Dude, nice package! Bet your girl is happy!” I’m just kidding. Don’t ever, ever say this to someone peeing next to you. I just wanted to make sure you were paying attention.

“You know, if they could only invent a beer pill, I wouldn’t spend a tenth of my night taking a piss!” Anecdotal observations such as this release any tension in the air and gets things flowing smoother – again, so to speak. Remember, folks naturally like smiles and jokes, whether they are emptying their bladders or standing around a campfire or standing in line. It’s what life’s about. There is no reason to act as a statue while we are in the restroom. Doing your business doesn’t have to be all business. Bar restrooms provide a perfect male bonding opportunity. Again, so to speak. Please, don’t mention bonding or bondage while ten inches away from another man with his pecker out. It won’t go over well, I can guarantee you.