Thursday, February 17, 2011

Tool Trucks

No, I’m not referring to your friendly neighborhood Snap-On or Matco delivery trucks. I’m talking about two-wheel drive Chevies that are lifted to the sky and are adorned with chrome, ghost flames, 6,000 watts of bass or all of the above and more. The “tool” is merely the driver, who is obviously compensating for something with the four-foot lift. Let’s explore.

Lifting a truck has its purposes, to be sure. It puts more space between the chassis and the ground and also allows for bigger tires. Both of those are primarily off-road necessities. These trucks do not go off-road. Also, changing the entire suspension and then throwing on thirty-eight inch tires is sure to void a warranty or two. I’d like to know the percentage of these tools that realize what over-sized tires do to the braking abilities of a 4,500 pound auto.

Second, chrome is for street rods and ghetto-mobiles. Nothing other than the factory chrome has a place on a full-sized pickup truck, and even it is questionable. The next time one of you has the urge to buy a $250.00 grille with flames cut into it, maybe you should think about upgrading your transmission’s cooler so you don’t see real flames in the future. I’m just saying.

Third, those tires cost well into the range of a thousand dollars or more for all four. I say four because you never see a spare on these trucks. Tools are too cool for spares. Besides, since they never off-road the trucks, what’s to pop a tire? Surely not the driveway, which is by far the truck’s biggest obstacle. Between the tires and rims there is surely two-grand or more, just rolling under the truck. Yet I bet he’s behind on payments...

And the bass. Really? Mega-wattage coming from the cab of a lifted pickup truck? Now, I’m not a Southern boy and I don’t often say, “Weee-hooo!”, but I’m still of the opinion that there is a difference between a utility vehicle like a pickup and say, a 1964 Impala. Upgrading the sound system for your listening pleasure is one thing. Putting in amps and speakers that make your truck louder than a jet engine taking off is quite another. As if the mind-numbing hum coming from your tires wasn’t enough, now we also have to attend your rock concert. Pop in some Justin Bieber, tool. I hear he really mixes it up.

Maybe they wear their flat-billed ball caps too tight. Maybe they are always high and drunk. Maybe the tattoo gun slipped and damaged a nerve that is directly connected to their brains. Whatever the cause, tools never cease to amaze me. Oh and bro, the J-Lo white-rimmed sunglasses look great on you. No really, they do.


Anonymous said...

Ya see 'em on "Cops" each and every week...

D said...

Never a disappointment.