It seems most of my life is spent waiting, for something or
other. I'm good at it, in fact, but I'm tired. I'm tired of waiting. I've blown
a few opportunities, it's true, but that can't be the end of it, can it?
I'm waiting for a decent job. My requirements aren't all that out
of control: I want a job that doesn't beat my ass into the ground and that pays $40k
to $50k a year. I mean, in a day and age in which $220k per year is still upper
Middle-Class, $40k isn't a whole lot to want, is it? But that type of job is like
Bigfoot: I hear about them but I never see them myself. $40k a year would set
me free. I'd be rich. I don't understand at all why I can't bag a job making
that amount. Or better.
I'm waiting, again, for it to get cooler out. I hate heat, I
don't operate well in it. I guess my Colorado beginnings set me up for
California failure. And now, wouldn't you know it? I work outside exclusively. Hard, sweaty work. I miss editing, badly.
I'm waiting for a possible home loan to go through, to get
approved, which will just put me into a different type of debt and allow my
house to dangle in the uncomfortable winds of mortgage. But, I've had this
fucker now for eight years and other than keeping me out of the elements and keeping living costs low, it hasn't done shit for me. Credit still sucks, don't qualify for
shit, et cetera. At least this loan might happen. Then I can fix all the shit
I've fucked up on it over the last eight years. Then the bulldogs can jack it
all up again.
I'm waiting for my wife to learn how to save a few dollars.
I've tried everything, from scare tactics to temper problems, and nothing
works. She just doesn't understand how fun it is to sock dollars away and
create a little savings. Maddening, is what it is, when I'm the only one trying
at all.
I'm waiting for life to change for the better. I've been
treading water too long and my arms are getting weak. I need a gentle nudge in
another direction, a positive direction. If the shit storm hits now, I may as
well just lie down in the street because I'm cooked. I need a little time, a
few resources. The urge to just hop on the 10 East is growing stronger each day. Just get on the freeway and drive. Keep gassing up, keep eating until the money runs out. I don't know what I'll do when I arrive at Empty Tankville, but it sure does sound exciting. It sounds like something.
God, I'm just waiting. I don't even feel in control. I'm the
main actor in a Truman Show type setup, and the joke is very much on me. No
matter what I try or what I learn, the same shit just keeps happening and I'm
waiting for that to change.
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