Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Avoiding the Complete Psycho

Yea, we’ve all encountered at least one or two in our lives, but how do we avoid them? Sure, you know a few of the things to watch out for and try really hard not to mingle with them, but it happens anyhow. I thought I’d be a pal and compile a short list of things complete psychos do, so you can keep your eyes peeled.

Watch for hypocritical things on a regular basis. A complete psycho will say they believe in something to appease the people they are with, and then turn around and say the exact opposite to another group of friends. Since you can never really trust where that person stands in life, they are best avoided. Maybe down the road when the psycho is more comfortable and assertive with their real beliefs, you can give them another shot. Until then, peace out.

Be on the lookout for grandiose stories that absolutely, positively cannot be true. Well, they *could* be true, if the complete psycho would pick just one. But no, they will have done it all, and then some. No, you didn’t hang out with Cypress Hill back in the day and get high with them all the time. No, you never had a Chevelle that ran the quarter mile in nine seconds flat. You also were never in commercials as a child. You will never own the construction company your uncle works for. There is no hundred-thousand dollar check waiting for you somewhere. Just stop it. We totally know you are psycho.

Avoid the well-spoken, well-read person whose personal hygiene is a mess. While these people may be good conversationalists and technically smarter than you, it is unsafe to engage them in any way, shape, or form. Sooner or later they will begin talking about religion or politics and you will have been utterly sucked into their stinky, yet impressive-sounding, web of weird. These people never know when to quit and – well, let me put it this way: Have you ever seen “The Cable Guy?” ‘Nuff said.

Steer clear of overly emotional people. These folks are not right in the head, and may even be severely imbalanced. Folks that are way to happy, are angered easily, or cry at the drop of a hat are to be completely scratched off your possible Facebook friends list. These are the folks who will either take you to jail with them or call you at three in the morning, asking advice about significant others that do not exist or whether it’s a good time in life for them to get pregnant. Crinkle paper near the receiver, tell them your connection is bad and go back to sleep. It’s just best that way for all parties involved.

3 comments:

The Robert said...

Also, you want to avoid the psycho would-be-writers. You know the kind. They spew all the details of their daily inspirations to all who will listen, and never type a word of it. They are smug with the certainty of of their own literary brillance, while contemptuous of contemporary literature and noted authors.
They are dangerous. Like vampires, they will suck all your dreams out of you and still ask you for a ride home....

LaughingZombie said...

Been fun knowin' you guys.

Christina said...

I would also avoid those people that climb your house to look in your windows, show up at your job for no reason, and follow you around the fair after you've told them you'd get a restraining order.

Damn psychos.